Author: girl_starfish

note: Huge thank-you to Nicola, the best beta ever. She spent a good 3/4s of an hour looking for the word (which I'm sure exists) that means ‘someone for whom being killed by the person they're in lust with is a turn on.' I know there's a word for it. Nicola even went to the library to look. She's cool. Thanks Nicola!

Duo's Inbox

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : circusfan@I'm*your*friend.net

Subject : Very sorry.      

Dear Duo,

I'm so unbelievably sorry about this. I didn't mean to break your leg. I feel terrible. I hope the nurses are treating you nicely and that you'll recover soon. Hopefully Rashid will be able to smuggle your laptop in to you so you'll have something to occupy yourself while you wait for your leg to heal. In the meantime, if there's anything I can do for you, you just have to ask.

Your extremely apologetic friend,

Quatre Winner.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : practically_perfect@armed&dangerous.org

Subject : Re: So not fair!!!!!

Duo,

Stop whining. It's your own fault. If you hadn't sent that fake e-mail to Quatre from Trowa's account your leg would not be broken in three places and you wouldn't be stuck in hospital. The nurses can't be as bad as you say they are, after all, if they mistreated patients, the hospital would get shut down.

And no, I'm not going to waste time smuggling you junk food. Your nurses should be well able to supply wholesome food that will more than see to your body's needs as it recovers. Stop acting like a little kid.

By the way, Quatre still goes red any time anyone mentions that e-mail. What on earth did you put in it?

Heero.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : notweak@extremely_manly_dragons.org

Subject : Re: Help!!!

Maxwell,

You have my sympathy. The pain and discomfort of having to spend a week in hospital surrounded by onnas with needles can only be surpassed by the dishonour of having to stay at a place named ‘Rosyfields.' Did Dr Po train there, by any chance?

However, I will not be able to remove you from hospital. Master O has ordered a refit of Shenlong and I will be busy the rest of the week. Quatre and Heero are likewise occupied, and Trowa is still on his mission. It's only a week. You'll be fine.

Chang.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : Gepetto@industrial_strength_hairspray.com

Subject : Re: Any missions? Please!!!

Dear Duo,

Actually when J informed me of your broken leg (a triple fracture ­ that is impressive. Do you remember how Quatre did it? It's the sort of thing that might come in handy. Like knowing how to set your own leg. Did you ever get round to asking Heero to instruct you in that?) I thought this sounded like the perfect opportunity for me to add another week to my holiday. So I guess we'll both be taking a break for a while! Just think of it as an involuntary vacation.

G.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : practically_perfect@armed&dangerous.org

Subject : Re: I'm so glad you asked!

I'm sorry I asked. That was way too much more than I wanted to know. I'm no longer surprised Quatre reacted the way he did ­ I'm surprised only your leg got broken.

Furthermore, is what you suggested humanly possible?

Heero (and stop calling me Hee-chan dammit!)

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : practically_perfect@armed&dangerous.org

Subject : Re: Re: I'm so glad you asked!

No, I do not want to try it and find out. Don't you have anything better to do with your time?

I think I'll have to take cold showers for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : practically_perfect@armed&dangerous.org

Subject : Re: Re: I'm so glad you asked!

NO, you can NOT shower with me.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : CallMeOnna&Die@Have_scalpel**Will_use_it.com

Subject : A complaint.

Pilot 02,

I'm sorry to hear that you've broken your leg and will be in hospital a week, I'm sure it's very trying for you. However, some of my colleagues have asked me to raise a few points of hospital protocol to you which they seem to be having trouble getting across.

Firstly, when you wish to hail a nurse you use the bell provided beside your bed. You do not yell ‘Oi! Fascist bitch!' Even if Nurse Jenkins considers it a compliment. It disturbs the other patients and is not in keeping with the image Rosyfields wishes to project.

Secondly, although visiting hours are from 10-8, patients usually wait in their wards for people to visit them. They do not go looking for visitors, they especially do not go visiting people outside the hospital, particularly not if they have a broken leg. Although the Head Nurse seems to have accepted your explanation of what you were doing buying a bus ticket to Richmond, I must warn you the hospital does not look kindly on escape attempts. Furthermore, apparently the wheelchair used in your attempt to ‘visit' was occupied by another patient at the time. The hospital staff are wondering at how it was you were able to mislay both the wheelchair and old Mr Riley. If you remember would you inform the nurse on duty in Ward 6?

Thanks. Bear in mind, a week in hospital is not the end of the world. The war will still be going when you get out, and there will be plenty of things left for you to blow up.

Stay out of trouble,

Sally Po.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : notweak@extremely_manly_dragons.org

Subject : Re: You hate me!

Snookums,

I swear I'm not glad that you're in hospital, or having loads of fun without you. Master O is not happy with my recent behaviour and has prescribed an intensive training course in order to maximize my strength and ensure that nothing as dishonourable as a disease brings me down in future.

I have assembled a parcel of what Quatre assures me are sufficiently sucrose rich foodstuffs. If they can be called foodstuffs. None of them were on the list Master O compiled for me of suitable victuals. We've given them to one of the Manguanacs to deliver ­ we cannot risk leaving the safe house ourselves at the moment, especially with the pink menace going after Trowa.

It's actually too bad you're out of action. You could have cut her tyres or something.

Anyway, Shinny-chan, I miss you heaps, and I can't wait until you get back. By the way, should I restock the chocolate sauce?

Hugs,

Fluffy-wuffy Dragon-chan.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : PinkPower!@trowa_fanciers_anonymous.org

Subject : Trowa?

Dear Duo,

You don't happen to know Trowa's e-mail address do you? Or even his location? Have you heard from him lately? Has he mentioned me?

Relena.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : circusfan@I'm*your*friend.com

Subject : Food parcel on the way!

Hi Duo!

Good news at last! Wufei and I were able to track down all that junk food you ordered. I tell you, it was hard finding a place that still sells triple chocolate chunk ice-cream with chocolate chips and extra chocolate sauce. Apparently it was taken off the market when it was found that your heart rate could be increased just by looking at it. I hope you enjoy! The bottles of Coke we're keeping for um, medicinal purposes. We didn't manage to find an iguana either but Heero says you wouldn't be able to take one inside a hospital anyway.

We've also included three bottles of Johnson's conditioner. Wufei said you prefer the tangle-free kind, so we got that. I have to wonder though how on earth he knows what conditioner you use. Do you two trade hair styling tips or something? I wonder how Trowa gets his hair to stay like that.

Speaking of Trowa, I hear he's having troubles carrying out his mission. Relena has been spamming OZ bases in the hopes of getting an e-mail to him and now they know they have a spy in their midst it's getting harder for him to do anything. And of course, Lady Une escaped last week. If the situation doesn't improve soon, he may have to abandon his mission. Fingers crossed! It would be nice to have Trowa back. I mean, I never thought I'd say it but this place is quiet without you. And okay, so Trowa wouldn't make that much difference, but still.

Hope you enjoy your food!

Your friend,

Quatre.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : practically_perfect@armed&dangerous.com

Subject : Re: Killer psycho bitch!

Duo,

I'm sorry you're still having problems with the nurses but that's your problem. I have a lot of work to do refitting Wing. I got an e-mail from Relena today asking if I knew what Trowa's address was. Should I reply? Do you think it's a trick? Wufei says we're giving the pink-obsessed one too much credit but she did manage to find us when we hid out at the Bob Dylan Centre for retired hippies and pacifists. Although that could have been a lucky guess.

Speaking of the princess, I think you should tell her what you did. For the sake of Trowa's mission if nothing else.

Heero.

BTW, you're sure this is a suitable e-mail address? It's just that Quatre read this over my shoulder and giggled.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : circusfan@I'm*your*friend.com

Subject :

Hi Duo,

I'm beginning to see why the rest of you are so irritated by Relena. Although I see some merit in her call for pacifism and the strength of her leadership, I wish she'd leave poor Trowa alone. It must be very stressful for him, having to undertake a mission and worry about avoiding her. I'm willing to bet she hasn't given one thought for what he might want.

By the way, a rather strange thing happened this morning. A woman who said she was your cousin came by. She had long brown hair and was very nice, and was quite sorry to hear you were in hospital. It was only after she left that I remembered you're an orphan. Something you want to tell us?

Yours truly,

Quatre.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : perfectsoldier@DEATH2DISNEY.net

Subject : Omae o korosu

Wing and I want to have a little chat with you once you get out of hospital. Sending prank e-mails is one thing, but giving me an e-mail address with a reference to Mary Poppins in it is just low.

Are you sure Quatre didn't accidentally hit your head as well? That might explain how you came to such an absurd conclusion ­ me, jealous of Trowa because of Relena? Hah! I'm practically smirking at the very thought.

Heero.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : PinkPower!@trowa_fanciers_anonymous.org

Subject : Something you want to tell me?

Dear Duo,

Heero said you owed me an explanation. Do you know where Trowa is?

Relena.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : PinkPower!@trowa_fanciers_anonymous.org

Subject : Re: Well, I hate to be the one to say this but since you asked . . .

Excuse me? Me, obsessive? Whatever gave you that idea? I'm a very well balanced if determined young woman, all my psychiatrists say so. And I don't know what possessed you to give me fashion tips! Pink is a wonderful colour, I find it off sets my rosy complexion and vibrant nature. Of course no one could expect a black fixated terrorist to be able to recognize a fashion statement when he sees one. And for your information, braids on guys went out in the 6th century. Furthermore, although it has been my policy to refrain from making personal comments, you may want to reconsider your diet. All those donuts are doing nothing for your figure.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : one-eyed@OZ_RULZ.com

Subject : Re: Blow the bitch to pieces!

I'm afraid that with the current situation in OZ I will not be able to borrow a missile launcher, even for a couple of minutes. As tempting as solving the Relena problem permanently would be, I simply cannot risk it. Also Doktor S has expressly forbidden me from blowing her up.

Ask Heero.

Trowa.

BTW, I don't want to alarm you, but you haven't noticed anything unusual, have you? Before Une escaped she was rumoured to be ranting about restoring Treize's paperclips and catching the braided thief ­ she doesn't know it was my mission.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : circusfan@I'm*your*friend.com

Subject : Re: Woohoo! When's the wedding?

Duo,

I'm sure I don't have any idea of what you're talking about. My concern for Trowa is that for a very special friend, nothing more. That said, Relena is being particularly obnoxious. Did you know she has been spamming the doctors and the Manguanacs trying to get Trowa's e-mail address?

Actually now you mention it, your cousin did look a little like Lady Une. Funny that.

By the way, do you really think Trowa's a whipped cream type of person?

Yours truly,

Quatre.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : fascist_bitch@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject : Escape attempt #2.

Mr Maxwell,

While we at Rosyfields do like to provide our patients with a permissive environment, we have limits on the freedom of patients. For example, that freedom does not extend to being found in the cafeteria well after midnight, surrounded by empty dishes. Although well acquainted with the practice of sleepwalking, we have never heard of a case of sleepeating and are inclined to take a rather stern view of the incident.

Furthermore, a hospital usually works like this: Sick people come in. Healthy people go out. Sick people do not try and scale the hospital walls using the emergency cardiac unit.

Don't tempt us any further, Mr Maxwell. We have lots of sedatives. We know how to use them.

Nurse Jenkins.

--oOo--

[cont]