Duo's Inbox (cont)

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : fascist_bitch@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject : Re: Bite me, sadistic, twisted, neo-Nazi witch!

Mr Maxwell,

Flattery will get you nowhere. Until we see some improvement in your behaviour, we're halving your food intake.

Nurse Jenkins.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : Shinigami_rocks@SDDI.com

Subject : You poor thing!

Dear Duo,

I'm sorry to hear you're in hospital being starved and mistreated by the entire hospital staff. I had no idea that Quatre was so vindictive or that the other pilots could be so callous so as not to come and rescue you. I'll send a food parcel as soon as I can. Unfortunately I can't come in person as I've been drafted into helping pilot some Leos around L4. I'm thinking of you heaps though! Take care!

Love Hilde.

--oOo--

To : All patients;

From : fascist_bitch@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurse.org

Subject : Missing items.

Dear patients,

Hospital staff have recently become aware of a large number of misplaced equipment. Several scalpels, a couple of needles (not to mention neither Old Mr Riley nor his wheelchair have yet been found), among others. If you find any of these missing items, please notify a member of staff. Thank-you.

Nurse Jenkins.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : retired_beachboy@Not_broke?We'll_fix_itNEway.com

Subject : Wiped out.

Duo,

Quatre broke your leg? You're kidding, right? You must have done something incredibly stupid for that to happen. You can tell me about it when I come and visit.

So far I've managed to find the engine parts you requested but I'm drawing a blank on the pukekos. I'm afraid you'll have to do without them. However I thought I'd bring in a toolbox so you can do a re-overhaul of Deathscythe while in bed.

Catch you later,

Howard.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurse.org

From : notweak@extremely_manly_dragons.org

Subject : Re: Where's my chocolate?

Dearest Snooky,

I am very sorry. I was certain that I included chocolate biscuits in the last food parcel I sent you. I shall go and see if Quatre knows what happened to them, he helped me wrap the parcel.

Wuffie.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : Treize's#1fangirl@homicidal_psycho_monsters.com

Subject: DIE!!!!!!!!!11111

@*#($&)$*) @#*%()#$ )#(*)(&*(&*(&$@*(&#(*&(*@#@$@&% PAPERCLIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : perfectsoldier@DEATH2DISNEY.net

Subject: Do you know the story of the Gundam pilot who cried wolf?

Duo,

I have a lot of missions to prepare for. Please stop sending me e-mails. Neither I nor the other pilots have the time at present to stand guard over your hospital bed even if Une had become a homicidal psychopathic monster and was stalking you with intent to maim. I really think you're just being paranoid. After all, OZ would not give command to a lunatic. The hospital is just getting on your nerves, that's all, and the disappearance of all those items is just coincidence. Stop wasting our time and do something useful.

Heero. 

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadisitic_nurses.org

From : notweak@extremely_manly_dragons.org

Subject: A grave miscarriage of justice.

Shinny-pie,

I owe you an apology. It appears that I was mistaken in accusing you of stealing all the chocolate products from the pantry. It is currently impossible to find anything chocolate, chocolate coated, or even chocolate flavoured in the house. Do not fear, I will right this injustice as soon as possible.

BTW, Une maybe psycho but she is an onna. What are you worried about?

Hugs,

Spanky.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : circusfan@I'm*your*friend.com

Subject : Extremely weird behaviour.

Dear Duo,

We've had some unusual happenings here. First off, Heero shot Relena! Although from what the eye-witnesses have said, all she was doing was asking him about Trowa, Heero panicked and forgot his training and shot her twice. She's not that badly injured, and just needs to spend some time in hospital. While this is a terrible thing to happen to anyone, I won't say she didn't deserve it. Pestering Trowa like that! The nerve.

On the other hand since being shot by Heero, she won't stop talking about him. The last we saw of her she was trying to convince the ambulance driver to take her back to Heero.

Wufei is also acting oddly. He's become extremely withdrawn. He hardly ever has a normal conversation with anyone anymore. Instead he stares at us for ages then suddenly snaps ‘Where were you on the night of the twenty-fifth? When did you last see the Chocolate Wheatens?' It's getting quite unnerving. I'd ask Heero if he can think of an explanation but he's still kicking himself over the fact that he mucked up a mission. Either that or because he failed to kill Relena. It's hard to tell. Speaking of Heero, I must remember to remove the self detonator from Wing.

Yours truly,

Quatre Winner.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : HY+RP4eva@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject : Re: I'm not talking to you either, so there.

Mr Maxwell,

Would you be so kind as to lower the volume of your stereo? Other patients might be trying to sleep.

Miss Peacecraft.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : HY+RP4eva@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject : Re: Jump in a lake.

For your information, Mr Maxwell, I'm as unhappy to be in this situation as you are. A person of my rank and delicacy cannot possibly be expected to stay in the same ward as, well, you. I suppose we'll just have to try to coexist peacefully until Heero comes and rescues me.

Miss Peacecraft.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : HY+RP4eva@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject: Re: Hate to burst your bubble, but . . .

What do you mean deluded? And what do you mean by implying I'm not Heero's type? How would you know anyway?

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : HY+RP4eva@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject : Re: I'm so glad you asked . . .

I don't believe you! You're making that up!

Besides, I have proof Heero likes me. After all, that's the second time he hasn't killed me.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : HY+RP4eva@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject: Re: Wake up and see the bullet holes.

No one should expect a braided idiot like you to understand the workings of a great Romance. Heero and I are like Romeo and Juliet, like Anthony and Cleopatra, like Pyramus and Thisbe, like Siegfried and Odette, Othello and Desdemona, Hero and Lysander . . . sigh. Heero . . . ahem. Anyway, you don't know anything about True Love so shut up.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

CC : HY+RP4eva@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : facist_bitch@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject: Regrettable behavior.

Mr Maxwell & Miss Peacecraft,

It is rare at Rosyfields for staff to have to intervene in an argument between patients. Indeed, I've consulted the records and have confirmed that this is the first time in the history of this establishment that no less than three orderlies were required to separate the patients. I don't think I have to tell you two that Rosyfields does not look fondly on such disruptive behaviour as hair-pulling or scratching.

I was especially surprised to find a renowned pacifist such as you, Miss Peacecraft, using violence to solve a problem. Even if Mr Maxwell did call you a ‘necrophiliac.' For your part, Mr Maxwell, I should think you should be ashamed of acting like that towards a lady. By the way, I think the word you're looking for is ‘thanatomania.'

With that in mind we are searching for another ward for Miss Peacecraft as soon as we can. In the meantime we request that the two of you try to put your differences aside and try to endure the situation as best you can.

Nurse Jenkins.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : circusfan@I'm*your*friend.com

Subject : Sorry Duo.

Hi Duo,

No luck with the sniper rifle, I'm afraid. Rashid tried to smuggle it in to you but the nurse on duty wouldn't let him in the hospital. We'll try again in a couple of days. By the way, you're sure that you got a mission to kill Relena? It's just that Instructor H was under the impression that G was still on holiday.

Oh, here's Wufei. Excuse me. I have to go . . . count my socks.

Quatre.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : notweak@extremely_manly_dragons.org

Subject : Injustice!

That is an outrage! Having the onna in my room was bad enough; I can only imagine how hard it must be to stay in the same room as her. I suggest you ask a nurse for a mask to guard against the girl-cooties.

The situation at this end is more serious than originally thought. Not only have all things chocolate disappeared, but anything containing anything remotely resembling caffeine has gone too. Furthermore, the thoroughness of the removal suggests that only someone intimately acquainted with the base would have been able to do it. That leaves Heero or Quatre. As I have no wish to be either shot or have my bones broken, I'm going to hide anything chocolate I buy you from now on. I'm also going to have a quiet word with Rashid.

Trowa's mission seems to be proceeding smoothly. Last night a convoy of glue guns arrived.

By the way, you will be coming home soon? I miss our arguments . . .

Hugs,

Wuffie-kins.

--oOo--

To : All patients;

From : facist_bitch@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject: Found!

Valued patients,

I'm sure you'll be as delighted as we are to note that the missing items (except for the wheelchair and Old Mr Riley) have all been found. It is still a cause for speculation on how they came to be embedded in the wall over Mr Maxwell's head, but I'm sure that will be sorted out soon.

In the meantime, you may all sleep well in the knowledge that the scalpels and needles are back where they should be. Ward Nine will be out of use tonight until we can convince Mr Maxwell to unbar the door. Sorry for the inconvenience,

Nurse Jenkins.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : notweak@extremely_manly_dragons.org

Subject: I didn't mean that.

Of course I'm not just interested in you for your body, pooky. It's just I miss you. I can't wait till you get home. I'll even let you choose where we put the pot plant.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : perfectsoldier@DEATH2DISNEY.net

Subject : Pot plant?

I was just hacking into Wufei's sent box to keep in practice while I await my next mission, when I saw the last e-mail he sent you. I asked him what a pot plant had to do with anything and he went ballistic and has gone off to find his katana blades so he can get revenge on me for reading his mail. I've barricaded myself in Wing and I'm waiting for him to cool down.

Although I have grave doubts about the wisdom of asking you . . . what were you going to do with the pot plant?

And pooky?

Heero.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : perfectsoldier@DEATH2DISNEY.net

Subject : Re: Wash your mind out!

Feng shui? Really? I assumed that coming from you, it would have a more well, perverted use. I'm still confused as to why you and Wufei would want to put our room in perfect harmonious order though.

Pooky . . . well, I think you shouldn't let OZ know about that one.

And that was not an invitation for you to call me Hee-chan!

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : perfectsoldier@DEATH2DISNEY.net

Subject : TMI.

I think you should have just let it lie at the Feng Shui. I do not think I'll be able to feel comfortable in our room again. Thanks a lot.

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : perfectsoldier@DEATH2DISNEY.net

Subject: Re: Threesome??

Actually . . . I'll have to think about that.

BTW, Wufei and Rashid had a little talk to Quatre this afternoon and he has admitted that he has a caffeine problem. He's decided to seek professional help. We should all be supportive of him. That means no e-mailing him pictures of java or chocolate, got it?

--oOo--

To : very*grim*reaper@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

From : fascist_bitch@rosyfields_home4sadistic_nurses.org

Subject : Pack your bags.

Mr Maxwell,

While Rosyfields values each and every one of our patients, we hope you won't mind if we ask you to recuperate at home. It's not that we don't like you . . . it's just that the other patients are leaving in droves, the orderlies burst into tears at the sound of a bell and the number of staff on stress leave has doubled. Furthermore the cafeteria staff have gone on strike, saying they have never been so insulted in their lives and will not return until either you leave or they receive a clause in their contracts covering ‘working under unreasonable duress.' And Miss Peacecraft is threatening to sue.

I shall be sorry to see you depart. It is not often that Rosyfields receives such an interesting patient. You would not be interested in getting lunch sometime?

Nurse Jenkins.

-end

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