Moments of Rapture 2x1 contest entry.
Warnings: Angst, OOC, language, Duo POV.
Standard disclaimers still apply.
And there it was; that moment
that makes me do this shit. That split fucking second that makes my life
worth struggling on with. That look in Heero's eyes. It's fear. True fear.
My hand had slipped and for thirty damn eternal seconds I had teetered
above a drop that even my fly-boy couldn't have survived. I strained every
damn muscle I owned getting my ass back on that rock face, using fingers
and toes and damn near my teeth. But it was worth it to hear him screaming
my name with fear in his voice.
Don't get me wrong, I don't do this crap on purpose. I don't go out of
my way to put my butt on the line. Well, no more out of my way than making
the effort of taking up these stupid adrenaline pumping hobbies with my
psycho boyfriend. But I don't screw up on purpose. I don't slip on purpose.
But... when it happens, when I get to hear that voice and see those eyes
with naked fear in them... it makes putting up with his God damn idea
of 'fun' worth all the effort.
Because that's when I know he loves me. Really loves me.
We're... soldiers. Or we were soldiers. The like of which the world had
never seen before. Raised from the time most kids were playing with teddy
bears and Tonka trucks, to be ruthless, single minded killers. Let's just
say we're pretty damn screwed up and leave it at that, ok?
When we first got together, I think it was just necessity. Who in the
hell else could go to sleep with either of us at night and wake up alive
in the morning? Who else would understand the triggers and the huge no-no's
other than someone who'd been through it? We were horny, hyped-up on adrenaline
and anger, teenagers. We were hormonal. We were lonely. We were scared.
We were fucking desperate.
A bad mission. Enough bitter resentment to loosen a couple of tongues
and we'd each figured out that the other one was just as lonely, just
as desperate, just as... hormonal. So we fell back on soldier's training;
make do with the supplies and equipment at hand.
We'd screwed each other until neither one of us could walk. It was a wonder
we hadn't killed each other. But my God, it had been the best damn sex
I'd ever had.
We'd gotten up the next day and gotten on with the fighting. Gotten on
with the mission. But if we happened to cross paths after that... who
were we to argue with the logic of battlefield protocol? Make do. We'd
made do until our balls damn near fell off.
We'd thought it was the war. We'd thought it was teenage hormones. We'd
thought it was because we might die any minute.
But then the war ended and we'd figured out that peace time was even scarier
than a damn war. We'd stuck together because we hadn't known what else
to do. Well... and the sex was still the best either of us had ever had.
We joined the Preventers because change is a scary thing and not fighting
was a hell of a big change. So we got to keep fighting, we just had to
be neater about it.
Then came the first major screw up on a Preventers' mission. Bad info
led to a faulty plan that led to two teams being deployed in a manner
that got my ass shot.
I got to see Heero Yuy take hold of the proverbial rule book with both
hands and shred the shit out of it. He broke ranks, abandoning a mission
in the dead fucking middle to come running after me. Heero 'the man is
the mission' Yuy. I remember to this day how his hands were shaking when
he threw himself down beside me on the concrete. And the fear in his eyes.
I'd seen his fear for me for the first time.
And that was how he told me he loved me. Without ever saying it. Maybe
without even knowing it. And I guess I knew I loved him back. Without
ever saying it.
Didn't I say already that we're pretty damn screwed up?
We've been together a long damn time now, and I'm not going to try and
tell you that things have always been wonderful. Hell... I'm not going
to try and tell you that things are wonderful one day out of ten. But,
you know? I can't imagine him not being there. Don't know what the hell
I'd do without that constant in my life.
We were two hot-headed teenage terrorists who grew up into a pair of damn
stubborn men. We fight. A lot. Even thrown a punch or two over the years.
I left him once, though it only lasted about a week. I don't even remember
what that fight was about. We'd run into each other at Trowa's place.
Heero'd asked me if I was coming home soon. I'd told him I'd think about
it. He'd shrugged, I'd shrugged, and we'd been in bed together before
the damn night was out.
We tell each other we're there for the sex. We tell each other it's easier
to get by with a shared income. We don't tell each other much of the deeper
That's what times like this are for.
When my hands finally found purchase and that eternal moment of feeling
the touch of the reaper on my heart was over, Heero was dropped back beside
me. His hand locked on my wrist so roughly that I yelped in protest.
'Watch what the hell you're doing, you idiot' he snapped, glaring at me
for all he was worth.
I should have been angry. I should have cussed him and told him to let
the hell go of me. I should have cursed his damn, stupid adrenaline addiction
and told him to get the fuck on with the climb. It's a scene that has
played out between us a hundred times.
But something was different that day. I can't for the life of me tell
He hides his fear behind that gruff anger. Behind that sudden offensive
behavior. His attacks always throw me off balance and I fall into a defensive
stance nine times out of ten; cussing and cursing and shoving at him.
This fuels his false anger until it's real, and we go on our merry way.
Carping and snapping and acting like assholes.
I hung there on the face of that cliff, with Heero's hand grinding my
wrist bones to hash and I looked up at him with the wind playing with
that hair of his, and the sun shining on that body of his and I understood
all that for the first time.
I remember wondering if he came close to getting it.
'I believe,' I said calmly. 'That this trip was your idea... making you
the idiot, not me.'
He blinked at me for a moment, confused, I think, by my not trying to
disembowel him. But he recovered quickly. 'Which one of us is the idiot?
The guy who had the idea, or the guy who agreed to it?'
I laughed, and he finally let go of my arm. 'Just a pair of morons with
more brawn than brains, I guess,' I told him. 'Now can we get on with
this? My other hand's starting to cramp.'
He resumed the climb then, stealing glances at me as we moved. I'm not
sure if it was trepidation, or confusion that was making him look at me
that way, but I let it slide.
He blazed the trail, hammering in spikes for handholds as needed, and
I followed. I had to think about that, though God knows my mind ought
to have been on other things. I'm not a follower. Never fucking have been.
Not that I'm much of a leader either, just always kind of been something
of a lone wolf.
So I have to wonder sometimes why I follow Heero's lead in so much.
Maybe he just doesn't have room for anything else.
I snorted; wondering if that made me more flexible than him.
'What?' he growled, glancing back at me.
'Just thinkin', Yuy,' I grinned. 'Something you should try now and again.'
He glared that pissed off glare. 'Maybe you'd stop slipping if you put
more concentration on what you're doing, instead of daydreaming.'
Well now, that rather rankled just a bit, despite my mood. He made it
sound like I'd almost fallen a dozen times. Somehow implied that I couldn't
have made it to the damn top without him hauling me there. Fuck that.
So, in spite of all my grand, lofty thoughts of love and need and all
that damn shit, I let him hit my buttons again. Let him piss me off. Yeah,
I needed him. But not like that.
'What the hell are you doing?' he snapped when I broke away from the route
he'd chosen and began to climb beside him, instead of behind.
'Got tired of the damn view,' I growled and forgot about him, putting
my attention on those places where rock met fingers. I don't need Heero
Yuy to smooth my damn way.
Somehow, it turned into a stinking race. I'm not sure how; neither of
us is that fucking stupid, but sometimes we get that way. Hilde tells
me it's something in the male body chemistry. That 'stupid' just
builds up over time and has to come out or we'd explode. I'm not sure
she isn't right. It came down to nothing but grunting and cursing then,
as we both had to put that afore-mentioned concentration where it belonged.
There was some part of my head that was screaming bloody murder, but it
couldn't over-come the adrenaline and the testosterone. And the pissy
attitude. Thank God we weren't that far from the top.
I won, getting lucky with a small bit of outcropping that let me get enough
of a toe-hold that I almost threw myself over the top. It crumbled away
under the force of my kick, but not before I was belly-flopped on semi-solid
Damn good thing, because I was right there when I heard Heero kind of
gasp, and I scrambled almost without conscious thought toward where he
should be coming up.
He hadn't been a heart-beat behind me, but something had happened, he'd
lost his grip, or something had given away. I knew it before I even saw
him, or he'd have already been up and over the edge. I was reaching before
I knew what was going on. Steel strong fingers closed around my wrist
and I locked with him before I even made sure of my position.
It was precarious. Belly down on a slight incline with not a lot to grab
on to, and my somewhat-larger-than-I-was lover hanging from my arm over
a drop high enough to kill him at half the distance.
'Fuck!' I gritted around a mouthful of gravel.
'Shit!' Heero replied and I heard a whole different kind of fear in his
I felt myself shift forward and scrabbled with my free hand for something
to hold on to. We locked gazes as surely as we'd locked arms and I snarled
down at him, 'Grab the hell onto something, you asshole!'
'I'm trying,' he snapped back and I watched him hugging rock. He wasn't
finding purchase. I slid a bit more and his eyes widened as he suddenly
seemed to understand that I wasn't anchored.
'Sometime today would be good, Yuy!' I yelled, putting the fear behind
the anger, where it fucking belonged.
He searched with his feet, trying to find some toe-hold that would ease
the weight I was bearing... but he wasn't finding it. I guess that's what
had given way under him.
'Come on, flyboy,' I ground out, and couldn't get the fear behind
anything at all.
I could feel the rock scraping the skin off my knees as I tried to dig
in and failed, slipping forward just a hair more. Heero went still.
'Let go,' he commanded, though his voice was soft. 'Let go before we both
'Fuck that!' I yelled, tightening my grip, digging in in anticipation
of his opening his hand. 'I'm not letting the hell go, so you better get
your ass up here!'
'Duo...' he began in that warning tone he has, and I couldn't believe
he wanted to hang there and freakin' debate it.
'We came up together, we'll go down together!' I bellowed, doing my damnedest
to catch hold with free arm and legs. 'Climb, you son of a bitch!'
I didn't have the leverage to pull him up, and he finally seemed to accept
that I was not going to let him fall alone. So he used me, hauling hard
to get his free hand up where he could catch the edge and then the arm
he'd been pulling with had to start pushing, because I was almost more
off than on.
With his weight eased, I was able to get myself righted and together we
got him pulled up over the edge. I think he would have just collapsed
right there, but I suddenly just couldn't deal with him lying there, his
legs still dangling over nothing, and I switched my grip from arm to shirt,
and hauled him another couple of yards to safety.
'You God damn idiot!' he panted, working up to really getting pissed off
at me. Being on hands and knees above him, I shut him up by straddling
his damn hips and giving his mouth something else to do. He fought. I
bit him. He gave in and finally started kissing me back. Breath for the
both of us was a sobbing, wheezing thing.
When I drew away, I took hold of his t-shirt with both hands and shook
him. 'We're bloody well hiking back down, you son of a bitch,'
I told him, growling the words out past a tightness in my throat that
I just didn't want to talk about.
I expected him to argue. I expected him to call me a wimp. I wasn't expecting
him to tangle his hands in my hair and pull me back down for another lip-lock.
'Tomorrow,' he said, his tone of voice telling me more than anything else
had, just how close it had been. 'We'll hike down... tomorrow.'
I collapsed on top of him, lying there until my chest didn't feel like
I was in the throes of a heart attack anymore, until he finally shoved
at me. 'You're going to sunburn your damn ass... get off.'
'Sun burning my ass would require my removing my shorts,' I informed him
and managed to illicit a snort from him, though it still sounded shaky.
I felt his thumbs hook in my waist band and I sat up to look down at him.
'Or I could remove them for you,' he smirked up at me, something else
hiding behind the cocky grin.
'I'm not much interested in hiking out tomorrow with my ass on fire,'
I grumbled. 'Tent?'
'Tent,' he agreed, and I could feel him hardening beneath me. He almost
groaned when I pressed down against him. 'Tent... now!'
We didn't waste any time after that. Base camps are a wonderful thing.
Our needs are... probably as twisted as we are. Heero is a damn aggressive
guy. I suppose I am too, but I'm not such a hard ass about it as he is.
Most times, he pitches and I catch. We like it that way. I like my men
strong; I want somebody who can take what I dish out and come back for
more. Heero... I'm not always sure just what he likes, but he seems to
like me. Seems to like that I get a little wild sometimes.
But other times... he needs something else. Needs to give. Needs to just...
let go. And that's ok, because sometimes I just need to take charge. We're
lucky that most times we're in synch that way.
Might have something to do with what triggers it. Fear, I think. It makes
me need to gather what's mine close. Makes him need to turn command over
So I took us into that tent and proceeded to pitch. Because it was what
we both needed.
But... just as the rest of the day had been laced around with something...
different, so was the sex. I just couldn't give him the roughness he begged
me for. Just couldn't seem to manage the hard and fast rhythm he tried
Slow. Slow and steady and drawn out. That's all I could think... I just
didn't want it to end. I just wanted to be there, right where I was, for
as long as I could manage.
And something opened up between us, and with my weight on my arms, raised
above him, I could see in his eyes that he felt it too. It wasn't just
the sex, it wasn't just the physical, I could feel the other... could
feel the emotion between us. The one that kept us together through every
damn thing that seemed to come along. I wanted to give voice to it, but
didn't know how. I wanted him to give voice to it, but he didn't
seem able. But, fuck if it wasn't there. It was as solid a thing as the
rock under us.
Our cries were... wordless, when they erupted from us, and I wondered
idly what the local wildlife thought. I imagined birds taking flight in
fear for a mile around.
I think I murmured something to that effect against the side of Heero's
neck just before I fell asleep, soothed by the rumble of his chuckle deep
in his chest.
I woke alone, which is never a surprise. Heero's an early ass riser on
the best of days, and I suppose sleeping in a damp sleeping bag on a slab
of solid rock hadn't made for the best of nights. I know it hadn't for
me. Or maybe it was the dreams of falling. I'm not really sure.
I dug around until I found some clean shorts and climbed stiffly out of
the tent to go find my errant boyfriend. I had expected to see him hunched
over the campfire, worshipping at the pot of the caffeine God, but was
surprised to find the fire not even built up yet.
A quick scan of the obviously limited area, found him standing near the
spot where we'd climbed up the day before, and I padded bare-foot across
the rocks to join him.
The sunrise made him a damn impressive sight. I moved in and wrapped my
arms around his waist, and he let me without comment, simply laying one
of his hands over mine. We watched the dawn together, until the sun had
cleared the distant line of hills and then he finally spoke.
'You really wouldn't have let go, would you?' he asked, voice almost a
'Nope,' I agreed, my chin resting on his shoulder.
'You're an idiot,' he rejoined and I chuckled.
'Guess so,' I said amiably and he got quiet for a long time.
'You know... don't you?' he finally said, as close as he could
come to it.
'Yeah,' I assured him, and wondered for a little bit if we'd ever be able
to say it. I gave him a squeeze and drew away; as close as I could come.
'We've got a long hike ahead of us,' I said brusquely, heading back toward
the fire. 'And some lazy-ass didn't stoke the fire when he woke up.'
'God forbid you ever haul your own ass out at a decent hour and do it
yourself,' he said, and sounded much more relaxed, back on familiar ground.
'It's not my fault you have some genetic flaw that won't let you sleep
in, Yuy,' I groused, much more comfortable myself.
Hey... it's what we have, don't knock it. Didn't I say we were pretty
damn screwed up? It is what it is, and I guess we don't have to give it
a name to understand that. It's about... not letting go, no matter what.
And nothing else much matters in the long haul.
[back to Sunhawk's fic]