He hummed a soft affirmative,
and I drew back to watch his face as I gently began to massage the nipple
under my hand, feeling it harden and draw tight. He moaned softly, with
an underlying fear in his voice, and I started to pull my hand away, but
his eyes caught at mine, as his hand touched the back of my hand.
"Don't... stop." He sighed, the need to trust me burning in
I bent to kiss his lips, feeling their faint tremble.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes... I want to feel... I want to know... " He stumbled with
the words, but I understood, and kissed him again, deeper and a little
harder. This was safe. This we had done; was known territory for him,
and he met my kisses with a certain desperation. I allowed my fingers
to begin stroking his chest again, finding the nipple and rubbing it gently
erect. He moaned under my mouth, and I released his lips to begin a slow
trail of kisses down his arched throat, lingering in the hollow and then
continuing down his chest. I raised my head at the last minute to find
his eyes following my every move in the flickering light.
All he could do was nod.
I lowered my head, and as slowly and gently as I could manage, took his
nipple into my mouth, letting my tongue wash gently across it. He was
as sensitive here as I was, and his back arched off the bed at the first
contact, a harsh cry escaping his throat. Before I could even think to
draw away, to check and make sure he was still all right, his hand clutched
at the back of my head, tangling in my hair, firmly holding me in place.
I suckled at him, relishing the feel of him in my mouth, his taste, his
scent, the sound of his cries. It was almost overwhelming, knowing that
he had never experienced this before, that each sensation I gave, was
a first for him. My own body was on fire.
I let my hand trail down his ribs, down his side, and back up again; slowly
traveling farther with each sweep, until I was tracing the curve of his
hip with the palm of my hand and the sheet was falling away.
I withdrew my mouth, and raised up to look at him, he was watching me
still, very aware of what I was doing, and very clearly not objecting,
though I had felt the thunder of his heart under my kisses.
"Love... " I ventured, "Are you ready for me to finish
He stared at me for a long moment, caught, perhaps by surprise at the
question. "I... think so." He finally ventured, face flushing
I rolled away and pulled the shorts off, dropping them with his on the
floor by the bed, and lay back beside him. Letting him see me tuck my
hands away behind my head again. Giving him the same unspoken reassurance
I had given him earlier. There was nothing for an incredibly long time,
and then he tucked himself against me, pillowing his head on my shoulder
in that way we had when we slept together, but with his hips tilted uncomfortably
away from me. He just lay like that for a bit, and then softly said,
"Doesn't feel right... .hold me?"
My arm went around him, the way it would have normally if I had not been
working so hard to keep it to myself.
He sighed, snuggling his head in the hollow of my shoulder, and then slowly,
painfully slowly, he adjusted himself to lay completely against me the
way he would have normally had he not been working so hard to keep
his distance. Finally, his leg was twined with mine and I could feel him
pressed lightly against me, not yet hard, but not completely flaccid either.
I kept my hand still on his back, just curled around him, leaning down
only to kiss the top of his head as I often did when he slept.
At long last, he placed his hand, hesitant and trembling on my abdomen,
just as he had begun before. I thought I would explode waiting for him
to begin his explorations anew. I was so stimulated, I began to fear I
might climax with the first brush of his fingers, and started working
mental calming exercises, stilling my breathing, and forcibly bringing
my heart rate down to something near to normal. This had to be for Duo;
had to be at his pace.
His fingers began their slow caresses again, though this time, I noticed
he mimicked my own massaging strokes. I hadn't covered myself, but I could
tell he was avoiding looking at me, his hand tracing my ribs, running
down my side, making tentative forays down my hip before returning to
safe ground. I wanted to laugh; even unconsciously, his lovemaking had
such a teasing style. If he ever came into his own, he was going to be
an ... interesting bed partner.
He found that impossibly sensitive concave at the join of hip and body
and I swear he giggled when he drove me, with a gasp, rearing off the
bed. His fingers danced around me for what seemed like an eternity, before
he finally allowed the first brush of fingertips down my length.
My head lolled on the pillow and my arm tightened around him, despite
all my efforts at control.
"Oh, yes... " I hissed, my heart thundering in my ears again.
But instead of frightening him, it seemed only to encourage, and I thanked
the Gods for that, while kicking myself for my lapse. I bit down hard
on my own tongue and forced myself to concentrate on keeping my desire
under firmer command.
He touched with light strokes, using just his fingertips, feather-soft
and intoxicating. I felt myself throb under his ministrations. At length,
his curiosity overcame him and he raised his head to watch what he was
doing to me. My reactions were fascinating to him, I could see him losing
his shyness; his touches becoming more adventurous, until he finally wrapped
his hand around me with such suddenness that I couldn't stop the upward
thrust of my hips and the moaning cry that burst from my throat. He was
mesmerized, and had I left him alone, would have used his hands and finished
me within minutes.
I panted out a shaky laugh, and caught his hand, "Slow down, love."
He hovered over me for another moment, glittering eyes locked with mine,
and then he lay back, carefully, deliberately, tucking his hands behind
My heart lurched with a painful thump at this conscious display of his
complete trust in me. I let my eyes travel his length, finding that somewhere
in there, he had completely lost the sheet, and his position now was not
just an invitation, but also a display. I drank him in and then leaned
down to claim his lips, "You are so beautiful." I breathed against
his parted lips and then slid my tongue into his yielding mouth, plundering
his depths; tasting, touching. Somewhere, under all the fear and tension,
he was ready for this; ready and needing and wanting to the point of bursting.
Not breaking the searing kiss, I rested my hand on his abdomen, keeping
to the pattern we had developed, so he would know what to expect. I resumed
my massage of his stomach and chest, a little firmer this time, and not
bothering to avoid his nipples when my hand slid that way. He moaned softly,
tremulously, into me, his own mouth and tongue rising hungrily to meet
mine. This was as aroused as I had ever seen him, and this little bit,
still sheathed as it was in his trepidation, was enough to make my groin
draw tight and I was suddenly awash with the need to be buried deep inside
I broke the kiss, slowing my hands to a gentle stroking of his firm abdomen,
closing my eyes and concentrating hard on harnessing my mushrooming desire.
I could not lose control. I could not lose control. I let my mind
pull up the image of him, harnessed in his cockpit, screaming into the
night, and was able to bank the fire that was raging almost... almost
out of control inside me.
He was watching me, breath coming in panting gasps, and I smiled tenderly
for him. My hands had not wavered, while my heart had, and he was oblivious
to my inner struggle. As it should be. As it had to be.
Eyes locked with his, I let my hands drift lower than I had yet, brushing
down his flank, and I found a place where hip turned to thigh
that brought a choking gasp of pleasure to him, and I grinned wickedly,
"Turn about's fair play, love."
And he rewarded me with a wry chuckle in return.
My fingers trailed and brushed his inner thigh, causing his legs to jerk
and draw together for a moment, before he fought the impulse off and forced
them to relax again. He was strung tight as a bowstring, and I slowed
"Still with me, my heart?"
"Yes... oh yes." The pupils of his eyes were huge in the faint
light, and I thought I might fall into them for a moment, "Heero...
what are you doing to me? I've never felt like this... I... want
I let my hand come to rest on his hip and smiled down into those bottomless,
ravenous eyes. "It's Ok, my little one. That's how it's supposed
to feel. Part of it is... giving over control to someone else. Part of
it is because you've been holding this inside for so long."
"I'm scared." He whispered, a tiny voice that sounded young
and vulnerable and lost.
I pulled him into a simple, comforting embrace, and he clung to me.
"Don't be. I'm here, and I'll never hurt you." I sighed, close
to his ear, and in that moment, I knew it was true. He was the heavens
and the earth to me, and I was nothing without him. Not even entirely
human. I could do this for him; this simple, complicated thing that he
wanted so badly and feared so much. "Don't be afraid. I'm here for
you. We have all the time in the world and nothing has to happen if you
don't want it."
He eased away from me, and never taking his eyes away from mine, he whispered,
"I love you." And then he caught my hand and carefully placed
it back on his hip and said, "Touch me, please?"
My desire was still there, but it was tempered by the glow of love and
trust in his face. I would not betray that, not for anything in the universe.
I stroked firmly down the length of his thigh, massaging the unyielding
muscles, down on the outside of his leg, and then up on the inside. The
breath hissed through his teeth, but he kept his body under control, not
letting his legs clamp together, not letting his body block my touch.
I did it again, slower and with a lighter touch. On the third round, I
didn't slide my hand back to his hip, but continued upward and gently
cupped the globes of his testicles in the palm of my hand.
He yelped and bucked and flushed, embarrassed by his inability to stop
the reaction, and I let my hand slide away, down the other thigh until
his breathing wasn't a gasping pant. Then I went back and did it again.
His reaction wasn't as extreme, and I kept my hand there, gently beginning
to massage the cool skin, enjoying the weight in my fingers. Watching
the play of emotions on his face, going slow and careful, I was delighted
when after only a few minutes, he intentionally spread his thighs for
me, allowing my fingers to stroke and wander wherever I pleased.
I took it slow, doing nothing more yet than the gentle kneading of his
sac. Though his arousal was building, he was still not fully erect, his
deep-seated reservations not allowing that just yet. My fingers found
a spot of satin skin right behind his testicles, and when I stroked it
with but a single fingertip, he cried out and I saw his cock twitch in
response, his back arching him off the bed.
He whimpered and caught at my hand, "Too... too much... too intense...
I removed my hand immediately, and he curled in near anguish beside me.
For a moment, I floundered.
"Duo? Love... what?"
"I... I don't know... I want it... Gods; I want your hands on me.
But... it's so much... it's so... strong... "
I pulled him into my arms, "We're going too fast. It's all right,
love, I'm sorry."
His hands clutched at me, "No!" He was floundering as well,
clinging to me like a drowning man, and he didn't know I was as lost as
"Heero, I'm on fire! I... I don't know... " he butted his head
against my chest, "I want you. I want you now."
Could he be ready? His body was sending me so many conflicting messages,
I couldn't judge. I ran my hands up and down his back; he seemed so tense,
so tight. I honestly didn't think he was ready, but maybe the path I was
taking wasn't the right one. I had eased him into a certain relaxation,
and then attempted to excite him, to arouse him to the point that his
body was ready to except what he was asking for. Perhaps I had gone too
far. Stimulated him to the point of tension again. I had to remind myself
this was all uncharted territory for him.
"All right." I soothed, gently rubbing circles on his back,
"Just relax. We can't manage it if you're tensed up. It'll hurt."
He tried; with one of the oldest, most basic techniques I knew. I felt
him take a deep breath and hold it for the count of ten, letting it out
slowly, and indeed, some of the anxiety went out with the breath, but
only the surface tension; I could feel the underlying stress still there.
I pulled away from him, and his arms were reluctant to let me go. I pushed
away the bedding and brought the oil bottle into bed with us, within reach,
and then settled myself with my legs folded under me. Deliberately in
a position that I knew would become more uncomfortable as we went, one
that I was hoping would help me keep control of myself.
"Come here." I commanded, gently, and he moved toward me, letting
me guide him into the position I wanted. I pulled him into my lap, facing
me, his good leg folding easily beside mine. I had made sure we were close
enough to the side of the bed that he could stretch his bad knee out and
let the leg rest on the floor. He was still back away from me, keeping
my straining erection from brushing against his.
"Tell me one more time this is what you want?" I asked, having
to look up at him, as he was almost a head above me now.
His arms went around my neck and he was trembling, "Please. Gods,
yes. Please don't tease me anymore. I... I need you."
"Not teasing." I smiled tenderly, "Trying to make sure
you're ready to open to me."
He shivered again, his eyes closing for a second. I glanced down and saw
him, for the first time, fully hard and glistening with pre-cum. I wrapped
my arms around his waist and slid him toward me, belly to belly, savoring
the leap his cock made against mine.
His eyes snapped open as he gasped, looking down into my face with the
most incredible expression of trust and need, and I saw the exact moment
when he let go and gave over complete control to me.
"Take me... please. Make me yours." I almost didn't hear it.
"Slow, love. Has to be slow and gentle or it will hurt. It'll be
uncomfortable at first; but it should not hurt. Not if we're careful.
Understand? You are not to try to bear it if there's pain. Understand
He nodded sharply and I found the oil. "I'm going to put this on
both of us now, Ok?" Again the silent nod. I smeared a liberal amount
on my throbbing cock, and then slowly reached around him, gently spreading
his ass cheeks to apply more all around his entrance. He stiffened and
jerked and then settled back on my thighs with a groan.
"All right?" I asked, wiping the excess oil on the bed sheet,
and he nodded again. "Duo; talk to me."
He whimpered; a soft mewling sound, his eyes closing, "I'm sorry;
I'm Ok, but this is... this is... "
"The hard part. I know, love." I worked my fingers up rock hard
back muscles, "You have to relax."
I pulled his face down to kiss him gently, "No more than you can
handle, my heart. Remember that. All you have to do is say stop, all right?"
"All right... I promise.'
I wrapped my hands around his waist, "Raise up a little." And
when he complied, I positioned myself, positioned my cock against his
I think he might have impaled himself instantly, in an effort to get that
part over with, had I not been half expecting it and caught him around
the waist, holding him off me.
"Wait for it, love." I commanded; not harshly, but understanding,
"Wait for the muscles to relax, once I'm passed the opening, it'll
My cheek was pressed against his chest, and I could feel the mad pounding
of his heart. Above me, his head was resting against mine, and his breath
was coming in sporadic gasps. I pulled back a little, and looked up to
find his eyes still squeezed tightly shut.
"Duo. Open your eyes and look at me." He was frightening me
a little bit, as though he might be drifting toward that nightmare world
that was always waiting just around the corner in the dark to overtake
us. "Stay here with me."
He slowly opened them, and they shone feverishly in the candlelight, and
our eyes locked. I could see the fear, I could see the desire, I could
see the confusion warring in the depths of his beautiful eyes.
"It's me. It's us. Don't be afraid. I'm here and I won't hurt
you." And as though my voice had eased the way, in that moment, the
entrance to his depths spasmed open and the head of my weeping erection
We both cried out with it, and I tightened my arms around his hips, keeping
him from taking me to the hilt all at once. His body tightened around
me, shocked at the intrusion. Doubt crossed his face; a flash of fear
and his eyes were begging me for guidance.
"It's Ok," I gasped, feeling his hot, satiny, muscle squeeze
tight around me in panic, "Relax, calm down, let yourself adjust
to it, just relax and then take a little more."
It took a minute before he could manage to loosen enough, and then I slid
a little deeper. I was holding my hips still with an iron will, and let
my voice be the outlet I had to have.
"Gods! Oh Duo! You feel... unbelievable!"
The sound of my passion seemed to help him, and with a sudden shudder
of opening, I was seated completely inside him, enveloped totally in his
body, lost in his exquisite heat. I cried out, incoherent and on the verge
of a quaking orgasm.
I pulled him tight against me, "Oh Gods... don't move... just hold
still... I need a minute." And I gasped and panted and bit my tongue
and wrestled the fire-breathing dragon back down. This was not for me.
This was not for me. This was... Oh Gods.... fucking incredible!
"Heero?" His voice, small and scared, was what brought me back
from the brink of sweet oblivion.
"I'm all right," I chuckled for him, "More than all right.
I just... almost... finished this. Are you Ok?"
A tiny nod, and I became aware of him trembling in the tight circle of
I looked deep into his eyes, "How does it feel?" I asked softly.
"Strange... " he ventured at length, "I don't know how
to describe it."
There was a moment of just being, and then he softly asked, "What's
it feel like to you?"
"Incredible. Unbelievable. More than I ever imagined. You feel...
" I closed my eyes to concentrate on it, "Like satin and silk...
hot, Gods it's so warm."
I opened my eyes to find him staring at me in bewilderment, "I thought...
you mean you've never... ?"
I hadn't really meant to let him know that. I blinked, "Uhmmmm...
no." I flushed, afraid that he would lose confidence in me, but unable
to lie, "This is... my first time."
I was afraid he'd be angry. I had never really said one way or the other,
but I knew that I had implied more experience.
He laughed, leaning down to kiss me hard, "You fake!" he grinned
at me, and then he sobered, "I'm... glad."
I grunted, embarrassed, but found he wasn't shaking so hard, and when
I thought about it... I was more than just glad.
"I love you." I told him, voice husky with sudden emotion.
"And I, you." He whispered against the top of my head, pulling
me against his chest. "With all my heart and soul."
I listened to the sound of his heart and sighed, "Move for me now,
His body had adjusted to me while we had talked, I had felt him molding
around me, and I looked up now to see him realize it as well. He tried
a gentle twitch of his hips, and I let myself moan.
"Yes," I sighed encouragement, "like that."
He was watching me, experimenting with movements that brought gasps to
my lips and his own pleasure crept up on him, unaware. I saw him as he
suddenly found a rhythm, I saw the shock register on his face as his body
started to dictate his movements.
"Let it go, my love." I whispered, enthralled with watching
him, "Let it happen. Don't fight it."
His back was bowed away from me as his instincts led him into a dance
as old as time, his hands were clinched on my shoulders, and I still held
him by the waist, but no longer had to guard him. I held him loosely;
let him ride me, there only to catch him.
His breath was a moan, rising with each thrust of his hips against mine,
I allowed myself no movement, holding still as a stone and letting him
do it all, letting him come to grips with the past and the present, with
the fear and the reality, and when he faltered, when he moved near to
what he had never experienced, and started to panic, I was there to guide
"Heero?" His voice was a rising wail, out of control and frightened
"It's all right. It's supposed to feel like that. Let it happen...
don't fight it. Let it go ..just let go... "
And when he was almost there, I released his hip and caught his throbbing
erection in my hand, stroking and squeezing and leading him over the edge,
falling immediately after.
His orgasm took him like a convulsion, wracking his body, and wringing
harsh, primal cries from his throat; near screams that almost frightened
me. His seed exploded from the circle of my fingers, washing over both
of us in an unending stream. My climax claimed me then, pulsing deep within
him, and I knew nothing for that moment of almost unendurable release.
When I struggled back into focus, he was still lost in the pulsing after
effects, his eyes didn't see me, and his hands were limp on my shoulders.
I caught him, wrapping an arm tight around his waist, pressing his hips
to mine. I was still buried deep inside him, and it would hurt if he pulled
off too fast. I lay the other arm across his back, supporting him as he
lay boneless against me, body trembling and spent.
"Duo?" I whispered, but he didn't respond, and I rubbed gently
at his back, "Love?"
He was tensing in my arms, slowly drawing inward; fighting something,
I didn't understand what.
"Duo? What's wrong? Please... you're scaring me."
"S... sorry. S'ok." He murmured, and his voice was thick with
unshed tears. I knew in that instant what he was wrestling with.
I tightened my arms around him, "No, baby; don't try to stop it.
Let it out. It's part of it, you have to let go of all of it... please...
" I stroked my hand over his braid and down his back, all the while
keeping our hips locked together.
He was trembling again, and all I could do was hold on tight, "I'm
here, it's all right, let it go... let it go... no one's here but me...
it's all right. Don't fight it... don't fight it any more."
I felt the damn break, the last defenses of a beleaguered, besieged soul
and the trembling turned into broken sobs and he was clinging to me so
tight I could scarcely breathe.
"Heero! Oh Gods! Heero... " There were some words, but mostly
not, and the tears ran hot and scalding down my shoulder and chest and
the last shreds of his incredible, iron control shattered into a million
pieces all around us.
I held him, tight and anchored, and when, finally, I felt myself slip
unnoticed from his body, I lay us down and folded him as close as I could
manage, rocking him gently in my arms and just let him cry it out. Let
him give in to the release that he had not been allowing himself for so
very, very long.
He sobbed in heart-rending, gasping torrents, like I had never heard a
human being cry in all my life. Had I not known how badly he needed it,
I would have been moved to try and soothe the tears away, but this was
the true catharsis we had worked toward all night. His physical release;
his body letting go first of his control, then of his pent up desires
had only been the doorway to this... this final purging of the poisons
in his heart.
He clung to me bruisingly tight, arms around my chest, head tucked in
under my chin, breath coming in great hitching sobs. He became a child
in my arms, the child that had received no real comfort all those years
ago. The child that had been forced, by circumstance, to pick up the pieces
of his own shattered spirit and go on, alone, armored in nothing but his
own fierce will. He wept until I feared he couldn't stop, until his body
was drained of strength, and his voice was gone.
"Everything is going to be all right now." I told him, at length,
when he began to wind down, when the sobbing slowed and the tears were
running silently down his face and across my chest. "This is the
start of the healing, love."
"I'm sorry... " He whimpered, trying hard to regain control.
"No, don't be sorry." I told him gently, "I've wanted this
for you... for so long."
He twined around me, not able to get close enough to suit either one of
us. We were a horrid mess, covered in oil and sweat and semen and tears,
but I didn't care and as near as I could tell, neither did he. His breathing
grew calmer after awhile, and I thought for a moment he had slipped into
sleep. I hoped so, without having to argue my position here. I was not
leaving his bed tonight; not tonight. Tomorrow, if he still wanted me
out, I would go, but I would have this one thing.
"Heero?" His voice, when it came, was hoarse, and very soft.
"What, my heart?"
"Don't... don't ever ask me to go on without you."
My heart stopped, and I knew he felt it with his head resting on my chest.
My mind leapt to the image of him in the cockpit of his Gundam with the
pistol pressed to his head and I felt my gorge rise. But I had to think
it through, had to turn it around, and I knew, no matter how much it tore
me apart to think about his death, that were it me... if I were
the one left behind, I wouldn't want it either.
"I won't ask, if you won't." I finally managed to tell him,
and knew it was true. If he didn't come back from a mission someday, I
wouldn't be very far behind him. These are the things that warriors say
to each other in the afterglow of lovemaking.
"Thank you." He whispered a bit later.
"You're welcome." I chuckled, using my foot, now that I had
feeling in it again, to drag the blanket up where I could reach it and
wrap it around us both. We fell asleep as the first rays of the morning
sun began to creep in at the window, coated, uncaring in each other's
essence, wrapped in each other's arms.
Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre pulled into the estate in the early afternoon
several days later, tired and more than just a little apprehensive about
the outcome of their little plan. Though it had been Quatre's idea to
begin with, he had started worrying almost immediately about leaving Heero
to deal with Duo's nightmares alone. Especially when, having realized
that Wufei knew something he wasn't sharing, the other two had badgered
him into telling them about Duo throwing Heero out of his room.
"We shouldn't have gone." Quatre said, for probably the hundredth
time just that day, as they unloaded their bags from the car.
"Quatre," Trowa sighed, not wishing his mate to be this upset
about it, but honestly getting a little tired of the comment. "If
something had gone seriously wrong, Heero would have called us."
They made the climb up the front steps, and as Quatre opened the door,
Wufei paused, cocking his head to the side, "What is that noise?"
The other two hesitated, turning in the direction of the faint, unaccustomed
"This way." Trowa declared, suddenly seeming to have an idea
what the noise might be, and he lead them through the house to the formal
dining room, a place they seldom went. The grand, French doors stood wide
open, and there was the beginning of a trail of clothes that lead out
to the patio.
Looks were exchanged, and the trio crept forward, listening to the sound
of water splashing and the sudden exuberant sound of Duo's bright, delighted
"He's in the pool?" Trowa whispered and they moved outside onto
the tiny balcony that overlooked the in-ground pool nestled in the formal
gardens below them. The trail of discarded clothing continued down the
narrow side steps and finished on the lawn.
Below them, they could see Duo, bobbing in the center of the pool, his
hair loose and floating around him like a silken cloud in the water. He
was wiping water from his eyes and looking wildly about, for all the world
like someone expecting a shark attack; the picture belied by his ringing
laughter. Then the water exploded upward and a second sleek figure joined
his, a second, strange laugh coming on the heels of Duo's sharp yelp.
"Heero?" Quatre said with wonder, looking to the others for
confirmation of what his eyes were telling him.
The pair in the pool vanished from sight, and the three on the balcony
exchanged disbelieving glances.
"What then... a group hallucination?"
The surface of the water broke again, not with the suddenness of before,
but with little more than a ripple as the two came up, twined around each
other, Duo's hair streaming around them, locked in a passionate kiss.
"Oh... " Quatre sighed, reaching for Trowa's hand, "they're...
they're beautiful together."
Trowa smiled down at his lover, "I guess you can count your plan
as a success."
Wufei grunted, "It's about damn time." And turned his back on
the scene below them, giving the other two a pointed glare.
Quatre couldn't quite seem to tear his eyes away, "They look so...
fey... so surreal. Beautiful." His eyes sought Trowa's, "Do...
do we look like that?" he breathed.
"Exactly like that." Wufei grumbled, "Now stop staring
and give them some privacy."
The three turned for the house, Quatre stealing glances over his shoulder
while Wufei steered him by one arm and Trowa by the other.
"Heero Yuy; skinny dipping... who would have thought?"
[back to Sunhawk's fic]