Note: I'm sick. This is what was spawned. Humour me. :D
C&C loved, but only if you're not holding a potentially deadly object.
Warnings: Humour? Silliness? Citrus? Squick?
Pairings: 1x2x1 ... the rest are a surprise. Deal. *cackles*
Disclaimer: Not mine. Trust me on this one.
by Tanith

In the Beginning...


In the beginning there was man.


A fire burned brightly, flickering flames swirling with reds and golds, deep blue hovering near the white embers that ate that the deep brown wood. Around it sat five creatures of exquisite, if slightly rough and rugged, beauty. We shall call them men. And so the men sat and stared at each other, stared at the flames, each other, flames, each o --

Wufei: Onna! We get the point!

Right, they stared. Until finally the one with the long amber braid, opened his mouth. "Why the Hell are we here?"

The one with deep blue eyes and chocolate brown hair that just begged to have fingers run through it shrugged.


Brow furrowing the braided one threw a glance to the other three men. One had hair like spun gold and aqua marine eyes that seemed to see into your very soul, another with a most interesting fall of hair, sweeping over one deep green eye. And the last with finely boned features and hair black eyes, glinting with an anger that was probably caused by the tightness his black hair was pulled into a pony tail. Or perhaps he was just constipated. We just don't like to look at that option, however.

Wufei: >_<;;; on'NA!!!

None of them said a word however, under the braided one's inquisitive gaze. He slid closer to the object of his pursuit, eyes that seemed to be carved out of fine amethyst sparkling merrily as he raised on hand, a pointer finger extended elegantly... and poked the dark haired, blue-eyed man.


The braided one crossed his violet eyes, one hand raising wearily to his forehead. "Oi! Ape-man!" he nudged the man's shoulder, making him sway precariously to the side. "You can talk, yanno! Grunting went out of style an ice age ago!"

The dark-haired man whirled on the braided one, a deadly glint in his blue eyes. "Poke. Me. Again. And. Die. Understand?"

"That's not what you were saying last night, monkey-boy," the violet-eyed man waggled his eyebrows suggestively. A growl erupted from deep within the other and he launched himself the braided one. "Eep!" Amethyst eyes widened and the man scrambled backward, putting a large rock between himself and his attacker, only wide eyes and dark red head visible behind the stone. "Bad Ape-man! Bad!! I would threaten to spank you, but only good monkeys get that." the voice was slightly muffled.

Dark blue eyes closed wearily. "I have a name, Duo."

"Yeah, yeah, so you say, Heero. Huh. Some hero. I've never seen you do anything heroic. I've only seen you stand on this rock, looking up at the sky and screaming, 'Why am I here GOD? Why? What's my purpose? My mission?! Tell me!' before trying to whang yourself a good one over the head with a sharp pointy rock. Yeah. That's some hero for ya! Hah."


"Well, you want a mission? Consider me your god, baby! The mission is now 'screw Duo into the ground as much and as often and as hard as you possibly can'." The braided one, who we now know as Duo, leapt up onto of the rock and leered down at Heero with a wiggle of his hips.


"How's that for a mission, huh?" another crude, yet sexy, gyration.

"...I get top."

"50/50, baby, or nothing at all." Duo smirked lasciviously.

"You're on," Heero muttered and, jumping onto the rock, grabbed Duo's braid and dragged him off to the nearest cave.

The others, decided not to enter this battle.


And then, the necessity of new life became clear.


"Much as I hate to say it... we need kids. And women."

The four others blinked at the speaker. "..Wufei?"

The black-eyed man crossed his arms and frowned deeply. "Unless one of you wants to have the child, morning sickness... labour pains," he eyed the as of yet only two who had managed to form a compatible pairing darkly.

Duo and Heero turned to face each other simultaneously, their eyes impossibly large. "I'm not doing it. It'll have to be you." They said in unison, then both glared. "...damn it..."


And so, there were women.


"Heeeeerroooooooo!!!!!" The first shrill cry rent the air and a blonde came running over the hills, torpedoing toward our men. Women, while not being so beautifully defined as men, were a graceful species and therefore very desirable. Heero, being a typical man, did what any typical man would do when faced with a potentially gorgeous woman.

He screamed like a girly-man and hid behind his lover. "Duo! Hide me!!"

Heero: Omae o korosu

Duo: ...snicker.

Behind the woman another blonde followed closely, her hair reaching commendable lengths, cloudy blue eyes narrowed under unusual forked eyebrows. Her posture was straight and mocking, a slight smirk curving her lips. "Relena-sama, back away from the gay boy."

"But Dorothy..." The blonde bombshell raised one peculiar eyebrow at Relena and the girl's shoulder slumped. She wandered off without another word, Dorothy still following on her heels. She did, however manage to catch the eye of another.

Relena stopped at the side of a lake, twirling a toe, making ripples quiver over the previously placid surface when the blonde man, whom we learned was Quatre, walked up to her. "Hello there, it's a beautiful day, isn't it. Would you like some tea? How about a nice roll in the -- "

"Mine," a voice growled, cutting through his wooing of the blonde now staring blankly up at him. Quatre's gaze raised and two sets of blue eyes clashed. Dorothy was staking her claim. The two stared at each other for a moment before on one sudden movement Quatre threw himself at the tall blonde, wrapping his arms around her neck and legs around her waist. Dorothy's previous possessive snarl melted into a smug grin and the two proceeded to go at it like wild minks. And of course, later Relena joined. After all, all disputes end well with compromise.

Dorothy: Like hell! *drags out an uzi and laughs manically*

Duo: Make love, not war. *hands Dorothy a daisy and scampers off with the big gun. The sound of gleeful cackling, wrenching screams and rounds of gunfire fill the air far off in the distance.*

Three other women soon joined the rest, one with black, nearly blue hair and deep blue eyes, another with flaming auburn hair and a grey, motherly gaze and yet another black hair and eyes that rivaled the twilight sky. They called were Hilde, Catherine and Meiran.

Meiran wandered away from the other two women, disappearing into the direction a certain onyx-eyed man was hiding, a determined look about her. She was never to be seen again.

Hilde found herself alone, Catherine having walked off to talk to the green-eyed man, Trowa. Her dark-blue gaze moved to where Duo and Heero stood, tearing at each other's clothes to reveal sweaty, slightly bloody bodies as they attacked each other's mouths viciously, an abandoned, and quite empty gun at their feet. She sighed wistfully and wandered off to the lake where it turned out Quatre was starting his own harem, guarded safely by his eunuch Rashid. She was readily, if forcibly, accepted into their midst.

Heero and Duo were rolling on the ground, fully naked and thoroughly enjoying themselves when Wufei wandered out, wiping his hands together with an accomplished air. He stopped before Trowa and smirked.

Trowa raised an eyebrow, "What happened to"

"I killed her," hence the smirk.


"She wanted me to (censored) and (censored)," the black-haired man said with a cringe, looking slightly green around the gills. "What about Catherine?"

"Turns out, she's my sister. And I know that we're all supposed to be 'perfect'," he made little quote marks with his fingers, "and everything, but screwing my sister? No... that doesn't work."

"Aa... So, we're both alone..."

Trowa nodded.

"You want to..?"

Trowa nodded again, eagerly.

"Aa..." Long pause... "Well then..." Wufei stared up at the taller man for a moment before letting out a curse and dragging him off to the nearest cave.


And thus, the creation of humankind.


Tanny: Er... So, basically Quatre is the father of us all...

Quatre: *walks in limping* And as it turns out, Dorothy mans a strap-on and Rashid's not a eunuch.

Tanny: *turns green* Oh EW, I did not need to know that.

Quatre: ...well, Doro-chan was fun...

Tanny: ..........


[back to Tanith's fic]