by: Zillie
pairings: developing 1+2, 3+4
warnings: language, sex toys, Heero in tight pants, zucchini, and fluff. Oh, and this is WILDLY WILDLY WILDLY NOT in canonical characterization.

enjoy!

Having His Zucchini + Part 3

"Good morning, Duo."

Duo glanced up-ran through names in his head-and grinned. The girl he had met in first period yesterday. "Hilde. Lookin' beautiful this morning."

"Oh, yay. My goal in life fulfilled. Now I can die happy." She leaned against the locker next to his. "So how did the rest of your first day go yesterday? I looked for you after school but you were nowhere to be found."

"I joined the track team," he told her. "And I was having zucchini conferences."

Hilde made gagging noises.

"Are you the proud parent of a bouncing baby zucchini as well?" he asked in mock seriousness, slamming his locker.

She stretched, and walked beside him towards their class. "Nope. I'm the founder of Planned Zucchinihood."

He blinked.

"During the planning phase of the Zucchini Project I had an abortion," Hilde continued seriously, digging through her bag. "Here! Have a button."

He took the proffered pin somewhat dubiously; it read 'every zucchini a wanted zucchini.'

"We're having a rally after school today," she said seriously. "Please come."

He was still stuck on the idea of aborting a zucchini. "You got away with that? Mrs. Elephant let you?"

"Mrs. Oliphant? Well. It's complicated, really. She's not my teacher; I've got Mrs. Gates."

The teacher, if he remembered correctly, who hadn't let Quatre and Trowa be a pair.

"She's horribly against it," Hilde said cheerfully. "Mrs. Oliphant is, too, really, as in all honesty it's just a good way of not doing the assignment. But on the other hand Mrs. Oliphant is the president of the local chapter of NOW and very actively supports choice. So they're torn between failing me and-Christ on a cross."

Duo glanced up to see what she was gaping at.

The thing was, Heero Yuy was a size or so bigger than Quatre Winner. So when Heero Yuy wore Quatre Winner's pants, they sort of. . . clung.

Wow.

Duo shook his head. "Did he pierce you in any way?" he asked as Heero walked up, Hephzibah in tow.

Heero's eyes were hidden by what looked to be very expensive sunglasses; Duo had no idea what he was thinking. "Maybe," the boy said finally.

"Where?" Duo felt horribly, incredibly guilty. He, after all, had been the one to lead the upstanding Heero Yuy into the lair of Quatre Winner, who anyone could see had Issues.

Heero slid the glasses down with his finger; his eyes met Duo's. "I'm not telling. If you want to know you'll have to find out for yourself." Then-unmistakably-his eyes dropped to Duo's crotch.

Duo slammed his locker. "What the hell is this?"

"It looks good," Hilde said, running her eyes up and down Heero with an appreciation that Duo usually saw reserved for himself. She leaned forward and slapped a button on Heero's groin; his hands came up instinctively to catch it. "Wear that or something like it to my party this weekend. And don't forget the rally after school! I'll see you in class, Duo." And with a flirtatious wink at Heero she walked down the hall, adding, Duo noticed, an extra swing to her walk.

"What the hell did he do to you?" Duo demanded.

Heero was reading the button. "Hn," he said absently.

"Heero, this isn't like you," Duo said desperately.

At that his husband looked up sharply. "You met me yesterday. How would you know?"

"I knew from looking at you; I knew from talking to you. You're not like Quatre-you're no sex bunny. You're reliable and efficient and-" he broke off when he realized that the words he was using to describe Heero were ones he, personally, would consider insults.

"You like Quatre," Heero said.

"Yeah, I like Quatre," Duo agreed. "He's funny and he's fucked up."

"That's not what I meant by like," Heero said softly.

Somehow coming out as a bisexual with maybe just a teeny bit of a preference for boys was harder at seven-fifteen in the morning than it had been yesterday afternoon. Duo backpedaled wildly. "Heero-that's not what I-dude. You're setting a bad example for Hephzibah!"

Heero studied him for a second, and then looked away. "You want her first period?"

"Yeah," Duo said, somewhat surprised to find that he was speaking the truth. "I do."

Wordlessly, Heero handed over their squash infant and turned to go.

"I'll see you later, then," Duo said.

Heero nodded, not turning, and walked away.

Duo was left holding a zucchini with a great view of Heero Yuy's ass. He considered the vegetable for a second-the ass again- and shook his head. What he was thinking would fail him for sure.

+

"What the fuck did you do to my husband?" Duo hissed.

Quatre was lazily playing with chemicals while watching Trowa studiously apply himself, two lab stations over. "Hmm?"

"Heero Yuy. Looks like he's been rifling through the costume shop from the Matrix. I mean, I appreciate the black and the leather as much as, well, you do. But-what the fuck did you do to my husband?"

Now Quatre's lazy gaze was on Duo; the braided boy was surprised at how scrutinizing it actually was. "Got him drunk, fucked his brains out, gave him a tattoo and a few piercings, fucked him a little more, and sent him home in time for The Simpsons."

"Tell me the fucking truth."

Quatre shrugged. "All right, all right. Not much. My sister got home about fifteen minutes after you left; they got into some discussion about computers. He's sorta smart, you know."

"I guessed that from the nerdliness of his lifestyle," Duo said dryly.

"And then we got to talking-just me and him; Iria was off working by that point-and he expressed some dissatisfaction with his wardrobe." Quatre shrugged. "He might have been a little tipsy. So we raided my closet." He shrugged again. "He might have been drunk last night when I gave him the stuff but he wasn't this morning when he put it on."

"He's not that kind of person," Duo hissed, still mad. "This isn't one of those teen movies where you can give him a makeover and lo and behold! He gets the girl! He's a real person- not someone you can play with."

Quatre let his gaze drift back over to Trowa. "I never said it was like a teen movie. It's not. For one thing-he doesn't want the girl."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Duo demanded.

Quatre quirked one eyebrow upwards. "Isn't it obvious? He's got something of a crush on you."

+

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to class. Today we're going to talk about a very important part of marriage-some might say the most important part." Mrs. Oliphant paused for dramatic emphasis; Duo entertained himself by drawing little mazes on his notebook. He wasn't quite ready to look at Heero yet.

"That part is sex."

scratch

His pen skidded down his notebook.

Sex?

Mrs. Oliphant smiled beatifically. "Sex," she repeated. "In most cases, a romantic adult relationship is one that contains sex. Good sex is key to keeping your partner satisfied. Unfortunately, most men couldn't find a woman's clitoris if they had a GPS."

Duo wondered what it would take for a satellite to locate- and cut that line of thought off.

"So I've got charts, and little models of genitalia obtained from a very nice little mail order sex shop I frequent," the sixty-odd year old woman continued. She began removing items from a large bag. "We've also got some vibrators I'll show you, a few pairs of handcuffs, and some other goodies. Let's get cracking."

Duo thought he just might be in shock.

"And for tomorrow's class I want you all to interview your partners and report back on some of their sexual preferences," Mrs. Oliphant said cheerfully. "We want to know what turns them on, what their fantasies are, what spot makes them have a spontaneous orgasm. Interview, people! Interview!" She picked up a blue plastic vibrator and waved the phallic object at them. "Now. Let's start our introduction to sex toys." She waggled the thing around. "There are of course the basic ones that you buy, but remember this-the same way that anything can be made a weapon if you use it the right way- anything can be a sex toy. Anything can make you come."

Duo, looking around at some of the faces of his peers, thought that she might be more right than she knew just then.

After a lecture which just might have had more attention than anything else in that school, ever, Mrs. Oliphant let the class pass around the various vibrators and anal plugs and beads and handcuffs and nipple clamps and erotica, and came over to where Duo and Heero sat, shell-shocked.

She put two bottles down on the table before them. Probe, Duo read. Maximus.

"Lubricant," she said cheerfully, looking like nothing more than someone's grandmother. "These varieties are very good for anal sex."

Duo wondered if she would notice if he hid under the table.

"My friend Lorne-used to be Loretta-swears by these," Mrs. Oliphant continued, producing what Duo at first thought was jewelry.

Rings-oh. Oh.

"And-all right! Just a second!" she called over to a student who had-er. Duo looked away. "You all explore now!" she chirped, and was gone.

"I can't believe she can do this," Duo marveled.

Heero picked up a bottle of lube-it looked like hand soap. "Sex is an important part of any marriage."

Duo was almost positive. "Well, yeah-but-how much you wanna bet she did this just because she doesn't want us fooling around with the zucchini?" He held up a hand before Heero could say anything. "I know, I know. Child abuse. No laughing matter."

"After school, then?" Heero asked as the bell rang.

"After school?"

"We'll talk about our sexual fantasies," Heero said, his face expressionless. He stood, slinging Hephzibah's bag over his shoulder.

"All right," Duo said weakly.

Heero nodded and left.

Duo watched him for a second, then stole a glance at the teacher. The extraction was still in progress-served the idiot right for sticking that there. He surreptiously reached out and swept a container of lube into his bag. And a few condoms. Hell, and the cock rings, too.

After all, sex was a very important part of every marriage.

Right?

[part 2] [part 4] [back to Zillie's fic]