pairings: developing 1+2, 3+4
warnings: language, sex toys, Heero in tight pants, zucchini, and fluff.
Oh, and this is WILDLY WILDLY WILDLY NOT in canonical characterization.
His Zucchini + Part 3
"Good morning, Duo."
Duo glanced up-ran through names in his head-and grinned. The girl he
had met in first period yesterday. "Hilde. Lookin' beautiful this
"Oh, yay. My goal in life fulfilled. Now I can die happy." She
leaned against the locker next to his. "So how did the rest of your
first day go yesterday? I looked for you after school but you were nowhere
to be found."
"I joined the track team," he told her. "And I was having
Hilde made gagging noises.
"Are you the proud parent of a bouncing baby zucchini as well?"
he asked in mock seriousness, slamming his locker.
She stretched, and walked beside him towards their class. "Nope.
I'm the founder of Planned Zucchinihood."
"During the planning phase of the Zucchini Project I had an abortion,"
Hilde continued seriously, digging through her bag. "Here! Have a
He took the proffered pin somewhat dubiously; it read 'every zucchini
a wanted zucchini.'
"We're having a rally after school today," she said seriously.
He was still stuck on the idea of aborting a zucchini. "You got away
with that? Mrs. Elephant let you?"
"Mrs. Oliphant? Well. It's complicated, really. She's not my teacher;
I've got Mrs. Gates."
The teacher, if he remembered correctly, who hadn't let Quatre and Trowa
be a pair.
"She's horribly against it," Hilde said cheerfully. "Mrs.
Oliphant is, too, really, as in all honesty it's just a good way of not
doing the assignment. But on the other hand Mrs. Oliphant is the president
of the local chapter of NOW and very actively supports choice. So they're
torn between failing me and-Christ on a cross."
Duo glanced up to see what she was gaping at.
The thing was, Heero Yuy was a size or so bigger than Quatre Winner. So
when Heero Yuy wore Quatre Winner's pants, they sort of. . . clung.
Duo shook his head. "Did he pierce you in any way?" he asked
as Heero walked up, Hephzibah in tow.
Heero's eyes were hidden by what looked to be very expensive sunglasses;
Duo had no idea what he was thinking. "Maybe," the boy said
"Where?" Duo felt horribly, incredibly guilty. He, after all,
had been the one to lead the upstanding Heero Yuy into the lair of Quatre
Winner, who anyone could see had Issues.
Heero slid the glasses down with his finger; his eyes met Duo's. "I'm
not telling. If you want to know you'll have to find out for yourself."
Then-unmistakably-his eyes dropped to Duo's crotch.
Duo slammed his locker. "What the hell is this?"
"It looks good," Hilde said, running her eyes up and down Heero
with an appreciation that Duo usually saw reserved for himself. She leaned
forward and slapped a button on Heero's groin; his hands came up instinctively
to catch it. "Wear that or something like it to my party this weekend.
And don't forget the rally after school! I'll see you in class, Duo."
And with a flirtatious wink at Heero she walked down the hall, adding,
Duo noticed, an extra swing to her walk.
"What the hell did he do to you?" Duo demanded.
Heero was reading the button. "Hn," he said absently.
"Heero, this isn't like you," Duo said desperately.
At that his husband looked up sharply. "You met me yesterday. How
would you know?"
"I knew from looking at you; I knew from talking to you. You're not
like Quatre-you're no sex bunny. You're reliable and efficient and-"
he broke off when he realized that the words he was using to describe
Heero were ones he, personally, would consider insults.
"You like Quatre," Heero said.
"Yeah, I like Quatre," Duo agreed. "He's funny and he's
"That's not what I meant by like," Heero said softly.
Somehow coming out as a bisexual with maybe just a teeny bit of a preference
for boys was harder at seven-fifteen in the morning than it had been yesterday
afternoon. Duo backpedaled wildly. "Heero-that's not what I-dude.
You're setting a bad example for Hephzibah!"
Heero studied him for a second, and then looked away. "You want her
"Yeah," Duo said, somewhat surprised to find that he was speaking
the truth. "I do."
Wordlessly, Heero handed over their squash infant and turned to go.
"I'll see you later, then," Duo said.
Heero nodded, not turning, and walked away.
Duo was left holding a zucchini with a great view of Heero Yuy's ass.
He considered the vegetable for a second-the ass again- and shook his
head. What he was thinking would fail him for sure.
"What the fuck did you do to my husband?" Duo hissed.
Quatre was lazily playing with chemicals while watching Trowa studiously
apply himself, two lab stations over. "Hmm?"
"Heero Yuy. Looks like he's been rifling through the costume shop
from the Matrix. I mean, I appreciate the black and the leather as much
as, well, you do. But-what the fuck did you do to my husband?"
Now Quatre's lazy gaze was on Duo; the braided boy was surprised at how
scrutinizing it actually was. "Got him drunk, fucked his brains out,
gave him a tattoo and a few piercings, fucked him a little more, and sent
him home in time for The Simpsons."
"Tell me the fucking truth."
Quatre shrugged. "All right, all right. Not much. My sister got home
about fifteen minutes after you left; they got into some discussion about
computers. He's sorta smart, you know."
"I guessed that from the nerdliness of his lifestyle," Duo said
"And then we got to talking-just me and him; Iria was off working
by that point-and he expressed some dissatisfaction with his wardrobe."
Quatre shrugged. "He might have been a little tipsy. So we raided
my closet." He shrugged again. "He might have been drunk last
night when I gave him the stuff but he wasn't this morning when he put
"He's not that kind of person," Duo hissed, still mad. "This
isn't one of those teen movies where you can give him a makeover and lo
and behold! He gets the girl! He's a real person- not someone you can
Quatre let his gaze drift back over to Trowa. "I never said it was
like a teen movie. It's not. For one thing-he doesn't want the girl."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Duo demanded.
Quatre quirked one eyebrow upwards. "Isn't it obvious? He's got something
of a crush on you."
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to class. Today we're going to talk
about a very important part of marriage-some might say the most important
part." Mrs. Oliphant paused for dramatic emphasis; Duo entertained
himself by drawing little mazes on his notebook. He wasn't quite ready
to look at Heero yet.
"That part is sex."
His pen skidded down his notebook.
Mrs. Oliphant smiled beatifically. "Sex," she repeated. "In
most cases, a romantic adult relationship is one that contains sex. Good
sex is key to keeping your partner satisfied. Unfortunately, most men
couldn't find a woman's clitoris if they had a GPS."
Duo wondered what it would take for a satellite to locate- and cut that
line of thought off.
"So I've got charts, and little models of genitalia obtained from
a very nice little mail order sex shop I frequent," the sixty-odd
year old woman continued. She began removing items from a large bag. "We've
also got some vibrators I'll show you, a few pairs of handcuffs, and some
other goodies. Let's get cracking."
Duo thought he just might be in shock.
"And for tomorrow's class I want you all to interview your partners
and report back on some of their sexual preferences," Mrs. Oliphant
said cheerfully. "We want to know what turns them on, what their
fantasies are, what spot makes them have a spontaneous orgasm. Interview,
people! Interview!" She picked up a blue plastic vibrator and waved
the phallic object at them. "Now. Let's start our introduction to
sex toys." She waggled the thing around. "There are of course
the basic ones that you buy, but remember this-the same way that anything
can be made a weapon if you use it the right way- anything can be a sex
toy. Anything can make you come."
Duo, looking around at some of the faces of his peers, thought that she
might be more right than she knew just then.
After a lecture which just might have had more attention than anything
else in that school, ever, Mrs. Oliphant let the class pass around the
various vibrators and anal plugs and beads and handcuffs and nipple clamps
and erotica, and came over to where Duo and Heero sat, shell-shocked.
She put two bottles down on the table before them. Probe, Duo read. Maximus.
"Lubricant," she said cheerfully, looking like nothing more
than someone's grandmother. "These varieties are very good for anal
Duo wondered if she would notice if he hid under the table.
"My friend Lorne-used to be Loretta-swears by these," Mrs. Oliphant
continued, producing what Duo at first thought was jewelry.
"And-all right! Just a second!" she called over to a student
who had-er. Duo looked away. "You all explore now!" she chirped,
and was gone.
"I can't believe she can do this," Duo marveled.
Heero picked up a bottle of lube-it looked like hand soap. "Sex is
an important part of any marriage."
Duo was almost positive. "Well, yeah-but-how much you wanna bet she
did this just because she doesn't want us fooling around with the zucchini?"
He held up a hand before Heero could say anything. "I know, I know.
Child abuse. No laughing matter."
"After school, then?" Heero asked as the bell rang.
"We'll talk about our sexual fantasies," Heero said, his face
expressionless. He stood, slinging Hephzibah's bag over his shoulder.
"All right," Duo said weakly.
Heero nodded and left.
Duo watched him for a second, then stole a glance at the teacher. The
extraction was still in progress-served the idiot right for sticking that
there. He surreptiously reached out and swept a container of lube into
his bag. And a few condoms. Hell, and the cock rings, too.
After all, sex was a very important part of every marriage.
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